(The name of the school and the teachers have been changed to protect the proles.)

Being in SSY and still being at school can be frustrating, particularly when I live an hour on the train away from Glasgow – the central nervous system, if you will, of SSY activity. My fellow pupils are mostly apathetic towards politics. In December, when I tried to round up enthusiasm for the student walk-outs planned up and down the country, my pleas were met with a vast array of counter-arguments – “walking out won’t make a difference”; “we’ll get in trouble”; “I’m not going to uni so the fees won’t affect me”; “if I miss school I won’t get my EMA anyway, so what’s the point?”. When the day came, only one other girl and I walked out, which, suffice to say, did not create the huge impact I had hoped.

After spending a weekend in Glasgow with similar-minded radicals and activists, returning to school on Monday can be absolute hell on earth. Some people are so ignorant or spoon-fed with their beliefs there that it becomes an extreme test of emotional strength to sit through six periods without having the urge to harm someone.

our school assemblies are just like this

However, I’m hoping this apathy will subside over the course of the coming school year, thanks in large part to the new addition to staff. Tsar Ebby arrived a few months ago, taking over the role as head teacher from the previous Tsar Ralph. To say he was a teddy bear in comparison is an understatement; although a valued member of staff, his authority was severely lacking. People basically ran riot under his watch. If it were not for his tyrannical deputy head, Winter Palace Academy would have become an anarchic hotspot.

Only two terms after the previous management disbanded, though, and we’re practically begging for their return. Tsar Ebby has swiftly made herself known as a firm dictator figure, who has been overheard several times saying that students’ opinions don’t matter.

I knew we weren’t going to get on from the minute I laid eyes on her. There was something in her sinister grin that told me we were not going to bond. In one of her first assemblies she delivered an impassioned speech about how British soldiers are ‘protecting our freedom’ and ‘defending our country’ in Afghanistan. From that moment my worst fears were confirmed; she was an evil bastard.

As you may or may not realise, it is almost time for those of us at secondary school to move into the next year group. I myself will be, after my exams, a 6^th year pupil at Winter Palace Academy. Some of my peers in my year therefore took the opportunity to apply for the coveted roles of Head Boy and Head Girl. This is a time-honoured tradition and the role is highly sought after. Following an extensive selection process, three male and three female candidates were chosen as the finalists.

You might be wondering why this is relevant, but Tsar Ebby’s  most recent outrage came in the form of her plans for said candidates at the annual Easter ceremony. Always an entertaining affair, I was prepared to sit through some semi-interesting speeches, some motivational dancing (this year the school’s dance troupe were asked to choreograph a routine to the theme of resurrection!) and to purposefully avoid praying when the time came for ‘reflection’. As a vehement atheist, the Easter sermons at school aren’t my favourite activity, but they are usually tolerable. Not this time, though…

Imagine my horror when, one lunch time last week, the candidates returned from a chat with the delightful Tsar Ebby, annoyed and outraged about what they had just been told. She had asked that the candidates read Bible passages at the Easter ceremony, implying that they would not be in with a chance of winning the election should they refuse. Yes, don’t double-take, you read that correctly. Where do you even begin challenging bullshit like that?

Well, first of all, there’s the fact that my academy is a non-denominational school. We are not a Christian school, and therefore the Christian views of any member of the school should not be forced upon the rest of the student body; least of all from the head teacher, who is supposed to assert her authority in a responsible manner. I wonder if she gave any consideration to the Muslim girl in my year that stood as a Head Girl candidate. She never made it to the final three, but if she had, would she have received the same irrational proposition, all to win brownie points? Would she have expected her to denounce her faith in the name of brown-nosing?

One of Tsar Ebby’s ‘campaigns’, if you will, is to promote Winter Palace Academy as a rights-respecting school. By doing what she did, though, it’s clear she could give less of a fuck about our rights. What about our rights to worship whichever religion we choose, or to abstain from worshipping any? To abuse her position of power over pupils she knows depend on her support is disgusting. How co-incidental that there were six passages to be read, and there just happened to be six candidates in the running!

okay, so maybe I took the allegory with the Bolshevik revolution a bit too far..

Despite this obvious blackmail and despite their personal objections to it, the candidates all agreed to do it. But wouldn’t most people? In the same situation, how many people would have chosen to refuse her offer and risk losing the title they’ve dreamed about since the start of their secondary career, rather than accepting it, despite their personal opinion, knowing it would keep them in her good books? I expected some of the candidates to show some conviction to their objections, a quality I would definitely admire in our Head Boy and Head Girl. Although I was disappointed when they all complied with her wishes (despite their expressions of outrage in front of us), I can’t say I expected them to defy her. I just hope that in the coming year, whoever is elected will be more strong-willed in future.

Understandably, some comrades and I were suitably furious at this abuse of power, and set about planning how to effectively protest Tsar Ebby’s lunacy.  Talk of printing and distributing leaflets and contacting the press circulated, but on Wednesday the 20th, the eve of said sermon, our frustrations peaked and we decided the only obvious solution was to walk the fuck out!

A facebook event was hastily set up, hundreds were invited and the message was spread. I was surprised at how many pupils got on board with it, if I’m honest. As I said, our school is majorly apathetic to political and social issues, so to see so many of my student peers get involved so quickly was genuinely heart-lifting. Messages of solidarity were left from former pupils and from activists across Scotland. Even Limmy got behind us on Twitter!

The next morning, the event page had a solid 50 attendees. Not a huge amount, especially as some were not even Winter Palace Academy pupils (but well-wishers offering moral support), but still more than enough to create a good visual impact.

At school that day people were full of questions. We did our best to reassure them about their rights, and a nervy anticipation set in. Rumours spread that Tsar Ebby had seen the event page, something I’d realised would probably happen and was not too concerned about. Quite predictably, by third period I was whisked out of Maths by my guidance teacher, who as a militant atheist, stressed he was on my side, but also insisted the situation must be resolved. So basically, Tsar Ebby shat herself and was desperate to talk us out of it – a success in itself!

Another organiser and I agreed to speak with her. We were prepared for her justifications, the most patronising of which was her reassurance that that very morning she had gathered the candidates and reminded them she had given them the choice. How generous of her, though strange that she had to do it in the first place, and only thought to remind them of how they had a choice after she was caught red-handed.  Her original request was that we take down the event page, but our stiff resolve indicated that we would not be so easily convinced. After a good half hour where Tsar Ebby avoided the real problem and brought up irrelevant issues, our demands were met in return for the promise that the walkout would not go ahead.

No pupils were to read at the sermon. In future, opportunities to partake in religious events would be strictly voluntary and not forced upon anyone, particularly those who simply feel obliged to. Tsar Ebby also agreed to a series of serious consultations over next year. These will address how our school can promote multiple faiths and not just Christianity, and how, on a wider level, management can start prioritising the right issues and not fickle ones.

I was and am extremely proud of everyone who was involved in the planning of the walkout, and how quickly the momentum built. This is the first time anything on such a scale has ever happened in my time at Winter Palaca Academy, and it is my hope that over the course of my sixth year I can continue to mobilise and radicalise the senior student body. It’s an exciting prospect to realise that, actually, some people are politically conscious, and have simply never had a medium with which to express it before. I’m taking it as my responsibility over the next year to inform my student peers about exactly how they can get involved, hopefully encouraging others to join the struggle against political and social injustice. It’d be nice to get some Advanced Highers while I’m at it too!

Justin Bieber says a big FUCK YOU to women's rights

Today, in what can only be described as an ABORTION EXTRAVAGANZA, we bring to you not one, not two, but THREE news stories that should cause sighs of woe from all sensible (i.e. pro-choice) people.

First and most stupidly of all, is the worrying news that pre-teen hearthrob and Leftfield laughing stock Justin Bieber is ignorantly and vocally anti-choice. Not only is he against a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body & mental health because “it’s like, killing a baby yeah?”, he also has some very worrying views on rape too.

Speaking to Rolling Stone Magazine, J.Biebs said he didn’t agree with abortion, and was asked by the interviewer one of the obvious questions – “but what about in cases of rape?”

Instead of sticking to his bollocks “babykilling” line, The Biebs went further, saying “Um, well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason [to have an abortion].”

Bieber, listen up, or I’ll fucking abort you. Rape does not “happen for a reason”, other than the ‘reason’ that there are some disgusting men who make the choice to horrendously abuse women. Being raped is not a woman’s “fate”. The idea that “everything happens for a reason” is nonsense invented to try to force people in disadvantaged and oppressed positions to accept the abuse and discrimination that they face from privileged sections of society. Usually with some sort of religious undertone of “it’ll all work itself out when you get to heaven, so just accept your shit life and get on with it and don’t question authority”.

Women should be the only people allowed to judge whether they want to have a baby or get an abortion, and to make the vital decisions at this time regarding their physical and mental health. In an ideal world, that would be accepted as a matter of principle. However, it seems that Justin Bieber is so far behind in his social attitudes that he hasn’t yet even accepted the basic right of women who’ve been raped to not be forced to have a child that their rapist forced into their body without their consent, under violent and/or emotionally damaging circumstances. Even most right wing fuckwads generally make a wishy-washy type of exception for abortion in cases of rape, so it’s particularly disheartening to hear The Biebs hold that kind of backwards view. Get yourself a clue, Bieber.

I suppose some might say, Justin Bieber is only 17. It may sound excessive to judge the views of a stupit wee boy so harshly. However, two things are important to remember here – Justin Bieber is old enough to get a girl pregnant (and has many young girls flinging themselves at him daily, so it’s not unlikely), and therefore it’s time he grew up a bit and thought about the real issues at stake here before he opens his mouth to the media.

Secondly, Read the rest of this entry »

Regular news readers may be overcome with a sense of gay ja vu yesterday at the news that yet another “member of the hospitality community” thinks that the Equality Act (Sexual Orientation) Regulations 2007 which outlaws discrimination against gay people doesn’t apply the them.

They can't come to my house either...creepy bastards

Homophobic hoteliers Peter and Hazelmary Bull, owners of the Chymorvah Hotel, were found by a judge to have broke the law when they refused a gay couple a room in their hotel.  They claimed that this was OK because their website explicitly stated that double rooms were only for married couples.  Humilated and without anywhere to stay the couple took the Hotel to court and won.  Mr and Mrs Bull were forced to stump up £1800 to each man.  The hotel owners are now in despair according to the Daily Mail – who suggested the whole thing was a plot by Stonewall.  If that is true then Stonewall have gone way up in my estimations.  But its doubtless bollocks.  Both the Daily Mail, and the couple believe this is suppression of their Christian faith with our favourite paper going as far as to claim (let’s hope correctly) that, “The ruling by a judge in Bristol sealed the supremacy of gay rights over Christian belief.”

But what Biblical context can the pair claim for their attitudes?  The Bibles main man had this to say on homosexuality. Sweet FA.  It seems strange that in 32 years of parables and ramblings Jesus wouldn’t deem it fit to comment on the matter.  Sure Mosaic Law – abolished by Jesus -  and in particular the book of Leviticus is a bit hell fire and brimstone on the old gay thang.  It would also strongly condemn the eating of “Pork with Madiera and Cream” (Leviticus 11:7) being served at the aforementioned hotel.  Lets also hope the property was free of mildew (particularly the kind with reddish of greenish spots outlined in Leviticus 14: 33-54) otherwise the couple will have spent their lives emptying their hotel, having the priest inspect it, closing down the hotel for 7 days then having the priest come back to declare it ritual clean.  And that would be a pain in the arse if you have lines of gays to turn away.

Jonathan & David: Shows Yer Girdles!

But hey fairs fair, they weren’t, as the rules of the Hotel stated, a married couple.  It is unlikely the Bulls would have thoroughly interrogated straight couples, demanded marriage certificates etc.  And Steven and Martin couldn’t be married anyway but they were in a civil partnership.  Which may not be quite marriage but is still a kind of…covenant.  So what does the bible say about a covenant?

“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.” (1 Samuel 18:1-4)

Mmmmm….Kinky.

Biblical context aside the ruling does set a legal precedent by confirming “There is no material difference between marriage and a civil partnership.”  The ruling also confirms (again) that when you run a business you lose your right to discriminate.  The Orwellian claim by the Bulls that “some people are more equal than others” is astounding giving that they wanted a right to discriminate based on their own belief system.  This Christian belief again is more equal than any other system.  If we want everyone to be equal here are a few suggestions:

• Abolish the two tier system and let gay and lesbian couples get married and straight couples have civil partnerships
• Scrap laws which exempt the Church and religious organisation from being able to discriminate based on sexual orientation or religion.
• Abolish all “faith” schools and implement an integrated, secular education system.

Until then I leave you with the words of Mike Judge of the Christian Institute who stated, “This ruling is further evidence that equality laws are being used as a sword rather than a shield.”  It seems if biblical homos King David and Jonathan want a bit of sword (and girdle) action then they should avoid the Chymorvah Hotel for a while.

It’s hard to know where to start with the Royal Wedding. So much of the commentary  surrounding it almost goes beyond parody – take this mental ‘satirical’ (?) rant from Richard Littlejohn about the bride being forced to wear a “designer burka from the Kate Moss Intifada Collection at Topshop”, or this horrendously fawning circle-jerk by bigoted unionist knobhead David Starkey.

Criticism has been wiped out from the mainstream media. Few are willing to raise their heads above the parapet and question the nature of, let alone criticise, the ‘wedding of the century‘, in a manner which bears huge similarities to the ‘poppy fascism’ that we wrote about last week, where subservience to a supposedly apolitical  ’national institution’ becomes mandatory.

Which makes it all the more surprising, and brilliant, when the first major criticism of the wedding to be splashed across the national media comes from someone who is, in theory, under the direct authority of the Monarchy. Yep, far from a ‘usual suspect’, the man who’s managed to outrage the Daily Mail, the Tories and the Church hierarchy is, believe it or not, a Church of England bishop, Pete Broadbent. Writing on his twitter and facebook page, Bishop Broadment has attacked the wedding as ‘nauseauting tosh’, and said that ‘I don’t care about the royals, I’m a republican. Talent isn’t passed on through peoples’ bloodstock, the hereditary principle is corrupt and sexist.’

In something which has particularly outraged right-wing sensibilities, he also added: ‘As with most shallow celebrities, they will be set up to fail by the gutter press. I give the marriage seven years.’

Legend.

Republican hero Bishop Broadbent also commented, “I managed to avoid the last disaster in slow motion between Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll, and I hope to avoid this one too… I think we need a party in Calais for all good republicans who can’t stand the nauseating tosh that surrounds this event.”

We’ve got a better idea. The wedding is reportedly to be on Thursday 28 April, at Westminster Abbey. David Cameron is even giving us proles a day off to celebrate. Let’s go and join them? After all, International Workers Day slash May Day pagan-fest  is only a couple of days later.

I’ll bring the wickerman.

The man in the above clip was going with his wife to a women’s health centre in Boston for surgery. It followed the devastating news that their unborn child had been diagnosed with Sirenomelia, otherwise known as ‘Mermaid Syndrome.’ The child had both legs fused together and no bladder or kidneys -- there was a zero chance of survival. The surgery was so the woman involved would not have to give birth to a stillborn baby.

On there way to what they describe as “the worst day of their lives”, they were accosted by two anti-abortion protesters, shouting “You’re killing your baby!” and holding up pictures of aborted fetuses. In his article, Aaron Gouveia describes what happened next:

Running on pure adrenaline, and without even a hint of a plan, I grabbed my cell phone and crossed the street. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, I just knew I wanted to make public the cowardice of these protesters . . .

I learned a few important things from this encounter. First, these people aren’t used to being confronted. They prey on the weak and they pounce on the wounded. It’s easy to berate people and shame them when they’re too beaten down to fight back. But I chose to do just that, and you can see what happened.

They spout the same tired rhetoric passed out at rallies and subway stations. They don’t have one salient response to any of my questions . . .

Consider this my plea: stop terrorizing women. Stop adding trauma to their trauma. If you’re able, stand up to these bullies in nonviolent ways. Speak out. And if you have a camera, use it.”

Bonus: Check out SSY’s confrontation of anti-abortionists earlier this year, and their hilarious/horrendous responses.

Christine O’Donnell is the Republican candidate for the US Senate in a special election to be held in Delaware in November. She defeated the Republican insider candidate, a guy who’s been in Congress for ages and used to be the state’s governor, with the support of the mass movement for paranoia and fantasy known as the Tea Party.

The Tea Party are a radical right wing alliance of nutters that have been taking over the Republican party, and their success in putting O’Donnell in the candidacy is a sign of their strength. Their movement is opposed to the government spending money on the economy or healthcare, as well as black people in positions of power, as can be seen from the number of birthers among them. Their racism even extends to recently holding a rally in Arizona IN FAVOUR of their new apartheid laws against people of Latin American descent. They’ve provided a rallying cry and natural home for a lot of Americans who are seriously confused about reality. These same nutters have looked for wacky people like them to represent them in office.

Christine O’Donnell is just such a mentalist. In uni she converted from Catholicism to become an Evengelical Christian, and takes the Bible super seriously. The way she sees it, it’s not just a holy book but also a biology textbook, after she claimed there was “just as much, if not more evidence” supporting creationism over evolution, science and dinosaur bones that are way, way old.

But perhaps her most well known pro-Bible belter is her stance on masturbation. She made herself famous as a vocal opponent of taking matters into your own hands. Check the video below of her denouncing wanking on MTV in 1996:

In the video, she famously says “If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture,” which seems to imply that she hasn’t heard that WOMEN CAN MASTURBATE TOO. This fits pretty well with her view of women and what they should be -- dutiful Stepford wives living meek and quiet lives and never expressing any thoughts or desires of their own, sexual or otherwise. Men, on the other hand, are raging buckets of hormones just driven to satisfy urges they can’t control, as seen from her comments that nude sunbathing would make it “very hard [sic] for their boyfriend not to want to take it further”, and her call to ban freak dancing because it was responsible for an “epidemic of date rape” (personally I thought rapists were responsible for rape, but there you go.)

Quite why she’s decided to take up such a lost cause as trying to persuade people that masturbation is bad is beyond most sane observers, especially considering the Bible never mentions it. Her anti-wank crusade has been cobbled together on the basis of interpreting other bits of the Bible and what they have to say about “lust”.

O’Donnell calls herself a feminist, but a bit like her twisted understanding of what goes on in our pants, she doesn’t seem to be very clear on what that means:

“I consider myself an authentic feminist. Not as defined by the modern movement. And, let me clarify that a little bit more. I was an English major, so break it down: -ist means one who celebrates. As a feminist, I celebrate my femininity.”

Aha, I see what you did there! Except feminism categorically isn’t about reinforcing a traditional, patriarchal view of women as being essentially “feminine” (submissive, chaste, wearing petticoats, chained to the kitchen sink etc.) Feminism is for everybody because it wants to free us all from the tyranny of men and women having to be defined by false ideas of femininity and masculinity. For Christine O’Donnell though it’s about biblical literalism and keeping your hands out of your pants.

For a picture of what she wants women to be like, we have to go to an unusual place for the debating of gender roles: Middle

This is what a feminist looks like, apparently

Earth! Seemingly the fantasies of her political views reflect a real love of fantasy literature, after she described the Tea Party as being like Aslan (“not a tame lion”), and tried to prove J.R.R. Tolkien was a feminist.

Even the most hardened fan of Lord of the Rings would have to admit that Tolkien didn’t really write in many female characters. And almost all of them are pretty, stupid and not much given to swordplay, orc fighting or anything that the books are actually about. Tolkien was an old fashioned old guy who spent most of his time making up tales with other old fashioned old guys, and exciting as they may be they’re hardly progressive on the issue of women. Their role is to be the beautiful eye candy cooking up banquets for when the heroes get home. Sounds great, reckons Christine.

In her essay, ‘The Women of Middle Earth,’ O’Donnell describes characters like Belladonna Baggins (mother of Bilbo), who, by her own admission is in the book for “about four lines”, as “content, even utterly satisfied, in the role of a wife and mother.”

“To me, Belladonna is the unseen grandmother whose prayers guide and protect her family as they go on to accomplish great tasks. She is the picture of a woman who has led a full life. The few lines written about her tell us that Belladonna did not have many adventures after she married, for her husband provided a great home for her. Belladonna’s independence in her earlier adventurous life before marriage provides a catalyst for Bilbo, her male heir . . .

. . .Some critics claim that Tolkien’s serene version of femininity is offensive to the modern female viewer. As a modern female viewer, I find the assumption itself offensive . . . Everything about Tolkien’s Arwen is tranquil, serene, calming. These qualities are part of the charm of the womanhood she expresses. There are many types of women in the world. Arwen represents one of them. She represents a pillar of calm that is a source of strength for her man. Her great contribution to the war is the strength she provides to the future King.”

Women: Know Your Place (in The Shire).

O'Donnell's natural supporters may be alienated by the latest revelations

This week it came out that she’d done her own small bit to make the world a bit more like the one inhabited by elves and wizards, when she revealed that when she was younger she “dabbled in witchcraft”!

“I dabbled into witchcraft. I never joined a coven … I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s a little blood there and stuff like that … We went to a movie and then had a little midnight picnic on a satanic altar.”

This came to light after footage of her on a talk show back in the 90s was released by it’s host, Bill Maher. The best part is he says he has loads more embarassing material of her which he will keep releasing until she comes on his show, (“It’s like a hostage crisis: every week you don’t show up, I throw another body out”), so the laughs at the expense of the politically crazy look set to keep on coming.

Bonus: Just so you don’t think this was a lone episode of the Tea Party selecting a total mad bastard as a candidate, check out Tim D’Annunzio, a guy they tried to make a Congressional candidate in North Carolina, who believes the US government is the antichrist, believed he was the messiah, that God was going to drop a 1000 mile high pyramid in Greenland and that he’d found the Ark of the Covenant in Arizona.

Have you ever wondered what motivates people who are rampant homophobes? What lies behind the desperate attempts of some people to prove their heterosexuality by denying freedom to others based on their sexual orientation?

It’s actually supported by scientific evidence that a major cause of homophobia is the desire to repress unacknowledged or unwanted homosexual feelings. In August 1996 the American Psychological Association did a study in which they used penile plethysmography (basically the technological measurement of hard ons) to “precisely measure and record male tumescence” of men who were avowedly straight’s reactions to to erotic images. Some of the men were professed homophobes, and some were not, who acted as a control group. The homophobic group basically got a lot more aroused by gay imagery than the control group. Questioned afterwards, the homophobes consistently underrated how much they responded to homosexuality.

One group of activists even cleverly wrote to homophobic MPs who voted against equalising the age of consent for homosexual and heterosexual sex, and challenged them to take the same test of their knob’s reaction to gay stimuli.

Basically, the homophobes experienced severe anxiety and a sense of threat from gay images, which the non-homophobic control group did not. While this is in many ways tragic, and would lead us to the conclusion that many homophobes need help and support to come to terms with themselves and their own feelings, it doesn’t give an excuse for some of the truly awful things people do as a result of that anxiety.

There are many cases of prominent and powerful people who were driving a homophobic agenda in religion, politics or society in general who were actually gay themselves. While this self-loathing is tragic, the harm that these people do to the rights and freedoms of others is inexcusable. To celebrate today’s gay pride march, Leftfield brings you a selection of some of the world’s greatest sexual hypocrites (apologies for them all being American, if you’d like us help expand our list to the UK and around the world then give us some extras in the comments!):

Read the rest of this entry »

There are few countries on Earth that seem to be able to provide us with hilarious crazies like the USA. They elected George ‘Monkey with a razor blade’ Bush twice as President, they respect and admire Tom ‘The Pope of Scientology’ Cruise, they continue to listen to Sarah ‘I can see Russia from my bedroom window [no, you can't]‘ Palin (in fact, for her craziness she is rewarded with her own show!), and they elected the Terminator Governor of California in order to continue their crusade against “economic girly men.”

As a nation they have made a huge contribution to the world of religion, having invented both Mormonism (dumb dumb dumb dumb) and Scientology, (founder L. Ron Hubbard once said the quickest way to make a million dollars would be to invent a religion. Then he did.) Just take a look at some common American religious beliefs handily summarised in cartoon form for you here.

Today Leftfield wants to celebrate the great contribution that American crazies have made to our amusement. The following is by no means a definitive list of American nutjobs, and we may well add to it as more emerge from the woodwork to bring us hour upon hour of laughter. Hopefully as the New World Order is implemented by our socialist illuminati chums more people will be pushed over the brink of sanity, into the pit of hilarity.

So here we present to you a roll of honour of the American reality-challenged:

5. Bill O’ Reilly: Bill presents “The O’Reilly Factor”, the highest rated cable news programme in the US. His show is renowned for getting on people that don’t agree with his extreme right-wing agenda, so that he can shout abuse at them. Here’s an example of him getting a little bit hot under the collar about immigration:

However, it’s not just on the air that Bill can lose his cool, as shown by the number 1 result when you search his name on youtube:

It’s ok Bill, please try to understand that no one is judging you for never having heard the phrase “play us out”, despite it getting used on telly all the time.

4. Glenn Beck: Fellow right wing commentator Glenn goes into similar territory as Bill, but he just doesn’t know when to switch off the crazy tap. Noted as a racist and frequent advocate of violence, youtube has handily put together some of his greatest hits for you:

One of his most famous moments was featured briefly in the video above, but here we bring you the moment when Glenn wrote a bunch of words on the board next to Obama’s name, then picked random letters out to try and spell “oligarchy”. The only problem being that he forgot the letter c:

Glenn has provoked quite a lot of opposition to his craziness, which, while perhaps justifiable on a political and basic human level, does not serve the cause of comedy well. Examples include the ongoing effort to make companies refuse to advertise during his show, and the apparent prank played on his fans when dozens of their cars were towed away while they were hearing him speak.

3. Pastor Steven L. Anderson: Pastor Anderson is noted for his fiery sermons in which he condemns gay people, abortion, and prays for the death of Barack Obama. Apparently he wants the US President to “melt like a snail” because he “hates him personally.”

However, some of his strongest rhetoric has not been reserved for these common targets of the religious right, but for a much more insidious trend, which is undermining the very basis of American society: the creeping horror that is men pissing sitting down:

2. Pastor James David Manning: Fiery black preacher Pastor Manning has an interesting take on race relations under the Obama Presidency. He is “telling you that these white folks ain’t gonna take it no more” (he likes to say that a lot), and are ready to rise up in riots far worse than what black people could ever pull off. He constantly refers to Obama as the “long legged mack daddy,” and even expresses his anger in gargle form in the video below. However, you really do have to keep watching for the full 10 minutes, as it’s only towards the end that he unveils his true calling in life, as an amazing singer songwriter, with beautiful, heart wrenching lyrics such as “Obama and Larry Sinclair/had a steamy affair”:

But coming straight in at NUMBER 1 we have long time Leftfield favourite Alex Jones!

Alex Jones is perhaps the USA’s greatest living conspiracy theorist. On his radio and TV show he regularly informs his fans of how they face an imminent takeover by a New World Order hell bent on a programme of eugenics, mass death, and enslavement. If you ever get the chance, look out for the Jon Ronson documentary ‘The Secret Rulers of the World’, which followed Alex on one of his infiltration missions into the global elite, with hilarious consequences.

But youtube is far from short of wonderful Alex gems. Here we select for you just a fraction of the comedy gold that is out there, and we can’t recommend to you enough that you begin exploring the amazing world of Alex Jones for yourself:

Alex’s silly impressions start to annoy his own guests

Alex is slightly miffed with Barack Obama

Alex decides the best protest he can make is to dress as the joker and wreck his own studio

Alex Jones: Best rant ever

(Co-Authored by Sarah.)

Over the weekend it emerged that a government adviser had circulated a memo about the Pope’s upcoming visit to the UK that they have been forced to apologise for.

The document was apparently the result of a “brainstorming” session, where staff tried to come up with a scenario for an ideal visit by the Pope. You can see at least some of the text here, including suggestions that the Pope should launch a ‘Benedict’ brand of condoms, visit an abortion clinic and bless a civil partnership.

This has led to a storm of condemnation of the memo, branded “offensive” and “vile”. Many revealed that this in fact may not have been a serious planning session, but in fact an attempt to take the piss. Paralysed in shock, the nation gradually came to realise that someone had dared to mock a man who promotes views which we all know to be total nonsense.

The government has apologised and been desperate to smooth things over. Meanwhile, the Vatican itself spoke of “dark forces” at the heart of the British government.

It’s difficult to find a full text of the memo online, and there’ve been differing reports of what it contained (which makes you wonder how many of the people rushing to condemn it have actually read it), but based on what has been mainly reported, is it a case of outrageous prejudice?

Is it outrageous to ridicule the church’s mental position on contraception, sex education, homosexuality etc.? Is deliberately misinforming school pupils about abortion and their sexuality really a set of views that we should just respect? Or is it ok to poke fun at reactionary craziness, even if it is supported by lots of religious believers?

When I was in Catholic school we were taught that two thirds of condoms failed, given no education on different kinds of contraception and any discussion of abortion was solely focused on it being traumatic and wrong for the woman in all cases. We never got to see “The Silent Scream”, a disturbing anti-abortion video, but other pupils did, and it had a major effect on how they view abortion. The film is riddled with inaccuracies and downright pish, Leftfield will be coming back to why it’s nonsense in a later post.

I found it offensive that the Catholic Church was allowed to promote their one sided view of the world in schools, and I wasn’t allowed to hear about anyone’s rights regarding sex education, contraception or abortion – and not only was it offensive, it wasn’t even funny unlike the memo done by hard working civil servants, who no doubt had to take their work to the pub with them.

Some people, including some on the Left, say the memo was out of order because it was an attack on a religious minority and have compared it to the attacks you get on Muslims from the far-right, some evangelical Christians and some very confused ’secularists’. What’s happening to Muslims today is much, much worse though – nobody is denying the Catholic Church the right to build spires on Churches, enforcing legal restrictions on what Catholic women can wear, or talking about Catholic birthrates destroying Western civilization.

The Pope gets into the spirit of things after blessing a gay wedding

Also, while there is no Islamic equivalent of the Pope, if for example the King of Saudi Arabia were to visit the UK we probably would find it quite funny if people took the piss out of his regime for its interesting stances on community restorative justice (i.e. beheadings for witchcraft) or its unique plan to encourage use of public transport by not letting women drive cars – which has won it plaudits from the Top Gear presenters, including fellow Islamist Jeremy Clarkson.

If the Pope doesn’t like being mocked he should either abandon his views or try and defend them against attack. When I was in RE classes it was pretty obvious to most if not all of the people in the class that the Church’s position on many of the issues in the memo were patently ridiculous – and very few of the people at my school were atheists or agnostics. Most of them would still have described themselves nominally as Catholics, and ignore all the nonsense bits of it, like banning condoms etc. If the Catholic Church had spent half as much time attacking poverty in Scotland and the world, opposing climate change, or other kinds of injustice in society as they did attacking homosexuality and sex education then it’s likely a lot more people in my school and in Scotland would have a lot more respect and time for the Catholic Church.

As it stands today, if the Pope wants to argue that gays are as big a threat to humanity as climate change then he shouldn’t expect people not to say that’s mental.

(Additional reporting and images by Jack.)