Santa wants a half ounce off of the bad kids
As we stand just teetering on the edge of crimbo, pressies wrapped and looking forward to watching Her Majesty address us for another year SSY would like to make our own festive greeting to our readers, outlining how one of the holiday season’s family favourites is in fact a SERIAL DRUG USER.
I am of course talking about Santa. In retrospect maybe we should have suspected someone who believes reindeer can help him fly across the entire Earth in one day to assist him in his mission in life – delivering presents to a set list of nice children probably was a bit high. Associate drugs wi Santa though, and most people will look at you like a dog thats been shown a card trick.
Almost everyone has heard of the urban rumour that Coca Cola (itself a drink which used to have cocaine in it, your favourite) invented Santa as a big red and white fat jolly guy. While Coca Cola did a lot of advertising that promoted Santa in that image to the American public consciousness, they didn’t invent him. So that’s not Santa’s drug connection.
The reality is much more weird – Santa as we know him doesn’t derive from Coca Cola but magic mushrooms. His red and white suit is a reference to amanita muscaria, a red and white species of mushroom that grew in northern europe, and has hallucinogenic properties. Pre-Christian tribes used to take these mushrooms to have a good time in the days before you could watch funny animals do things on you tube or play COD:Black Ops.
Santa’s dress and demeanour also point to having a taste for psychedelic mushrooms; he looks like a shaman wi his big beard and belly, and he always has that nice contented happy face, laughing away like someone all cheery on shrooms.
Even the Reindeers got in on the fun – eating the shrooms and having a general prance about, which is probably where they got the idea of having Reindeer being able to fly Santa about. Also because the mushrooms active ingredient – the bit that makes you trip – is not broken down in the body, it’s still present in piss. Some folk wanting to get high would actually drink the piss of reindeer who had eaten the shrooms, hence the phrase “lets get pished” (think I might just have a pint though to be honest).
The political point to take from this is that drug use has always been a part of human society and influences lots of our culture, traditions, and holidays – Christmas included. It’s only relatively recently in human history with the establishment of centrally run capitalist states that folk have tried to ban, prohibit and demonise drugs and their use.
Today in the UK, Santa’s favourite drug magic mushrooms is registered as a Class A drug – that’s the most severe level, putting shrooms on the same level as HEROIN, meaning you will do more time for possessing them than a rape drug. Bonkers.
When we look at a chart on drug use done by an actual proper scientist, the level of harm – both social and personal – mushrooms do they’re slightly less dangerous than Gregg’s cheese and onion pasties.
Keep granny off the sherry and get her toking instead, it's for her own good.
So as you come together tomorrow, to celebrate Christmas with family and friends, whilst watching President Ahmadinejahd deliver his festive greetings, remember that you are helping to fight against the war on drugs with Santa, Donner, Blitzer, Prancer, Rudolph and the rest of the gang.