07.29

P.S. I stand by all my death updates!

07.28

We tried to think of a good way to end this, but there’s no way to polish a turd. We are fucking exhausted. I don’t care who is Prime Minister any more, I just want to go to my fucking bed. I think I have done my duty to blogging, by writing a load of jokes that no one will get in the morning and calling for the violent deaths of badmen. There are still 58 results to come in, but we all know the result – hung parliament with a significant Tory lead. Nighty fucking night world, go to George Square, Glasgow at 6pm today (Friday) to party/protest this pure shiter of a result

07.17

Argyll and Bute estimated declaration time half 12? Well they can fuck right off then!

07.13

In his tiredness, Jack has gone on a powertrip and is publicly calling for the death of literally thousands of bastards.

07.13

Jacqui Smith was “mired” in the expenses scandal. She was wallowing in porn and YOUR MONEY.

07.10

No result yet in Fermanagh & South Tyrone in Northern Ireland (known to SSP members as New Ventonia). That’s because there’s been two recounts – there was only EIGHT votes in it between incumbent Sinn Fein and ‘independent unionist’ Rodney Conner. The Shinners are seeking legal advice apparently. Maybe they’re planning to accuse him of being the mastermind behind this.

07.09

Tony McNulty, who used to be an immigration minister, and was an absolute racist fuckwit who made asylum seekers’ lives a misery, has lost his seat. We hope he loses his life next.

07.07

JACK! AAAAAH, saviour of North East Fife!
Only he can defeat evil Ming the Merciless.

07.05

The BBC just totally accidentally showed Vladimir Putin shiftily walking into 10 Downing Street. SECRETLY RUNNING THE SHOW! Man I’m tired.

06.59

Labour candidate in Cornwall lost to Tories – Dimbleby says “she always felt she had a bit of a problem down there”. You should really get that seen to, love

06.57

“Eustace, Charles George, known as George.”

Is that cos it’s his name?

06.48

The guy who spent 300 odd quid on shite is out of a job. Hope those bags of crap were worth it!

06.47

Goldsmith: “More Green thinking in parliament is a good thing.” In the form of Caroline Lucas, yes. In the form of you, no. No more millionaires in parliament! Take their fucking money off them.

06.45

Zac Goldsmith says “It’s not about money.” You would say that, you FUCKING MILLIONAIRE SCUMBAG. Rich people cannot save the global ecosphere, their wealth is destroying it.

06.44

Zac Goldsmith has used some of his bastard millions to buy a GIANT microphone.

06.42

What? we're tired!

06.41

Penis Stone

06.38

Hehe, “done it with a candidate.”

These kinds of jokes based on you also watching the telly are pointless now cos we’re the only freaks still doing it!

06.35

We’re not managing to update as often as we were cos we’re tired. But we want to see what happens!!

06.34

Was Nick Clegg standing against a ssssnake called ssssteve?

06.16

Salma Yaqoob only came second in Birmingham Hall Green, which likely means no Respect MPs at all this election. Shame, we like Salma

06.16

Nick Clegg is going to get turfed out of the place where they’re counting the votes cos kids need to come in and swim. What good little Fianns. Oh wait, I forgot, they can’t be cos they’re from Sheffield :/

06.09

“If you took a child who knew nothing about the rules, if you took someone from another country. . .”

BBC reporter says foreigners are comparable to children.

06.08

Final SSP results: Cumbernauld (Willie O’Neill) – 476, Glasgow East (Frances Curran) – 454, Paisley & Renfrew South (Jimmy Kerr) – 375, Glasgow Central (James Nesbitt) – 357, Edinburgh South West (Colin Fox) – 319, Aberdeen North (Ewan Robertson) – 268, Dundee East (Angela Gorrie) – 254, Livingston (Ally Hendry) – 242, Paisley & Renfrew North (Chris Rollo) – 233, Glasgow North East (Kevin McVey) – 179. We only stood in 10 seats across Scotland, and we got 3157 votes for our policies. That’s not fucking bad at all in my view, all things considered. To all voters and sympathisers out there – join the fightback, it starts today.

06.04

To go back to the very first comment of the night: we just saw footage of the Sunderland freaks running with their ballot boxes to get to declare first. Nobody’s is impressed Martin.

05.59

Oh dear, I think I got mixed up earlier, Nick Griffin’s seat is only declaring now. He got 6000 odd, which isn’t that good considering it’s their main bit. Still pretty bad though.

05.54

Lol, followed straight off by Conservative “Environmentalist” fuckwit, Zac Goldsmith. Knobsack.

05.51

FUCK YEAH! GREEN MP! AT LAST SOMETHING GOOD!

05.49

Come on Caroline Lucas!

05.49

Vince Cable has a voice like a boring minister at assembly, telling some meaningless parable that confirms your childhood atheism.

05.36

"2010, da swingometer becomes self aware. In a panic dey try to pull da plug but it is too late."

05.34

Jeremy Vine is now in a virtual commons full of virtual MPs. the day’s going to come when he can’t wake up from the virtual nightmare he’s created for himself, and the combined forces of Neo and Sarah Connor won’t be able to do fuck all to help him.

05.32

“Wilfrid Emmanuel Jones, he calls himself the black farmer.”

Tbf, he is a farmer, and he is black, so I think that’s a pretty accurate self description.

05.28

Labour hold Birmingham Selly Oak. More like Smelly Oak, lol.

05.27

Andy Slaughter for Labour solidly got the serial killer vote.

05.26

The returning officer in Hammersmith is all echo-y. He sounds like the Wizard of Oz.

05.24

News from Aberdeen: SSP’s Andy McPake and the BNP in raw elbowing smackdown. When it comes down to it, our man has the joints needed for the job.

05.21

“Let’s ask the swingometer to colour the constituencies that have been won and lost.”

fuck off, I’m not begging a machine for nothing, next stop is Skynet. Besides which IT MAKES NO SENSE. You’re probably just standing in a green room!

05.17

Lib Dems are down 5 seats. We claim full responsibility for this because of our protest the other day.

05.14

Lib Dem candidate called: Roger Kingdom Harmer. I think we should set some knights of the realm on him before he harms our kingdom with his rogering.

05.11

Is Ed Balls a bit slow? Maybe he got too many times as a kid while being bullied about his ridiculous name.

05.10

Fuck esther McVey, we want Kevin McVey!

05.08

Apparently not, she can enjoy Eccles cakes as an MP for years to come.

05.07

Is Hazel Blears out on her rear?

05.05

Did she just say cock, while talking about Ed Balls?

05.05

Interesting and sad blog about disenfranchisement of blind voters due to untrained/incompetent helpers in polling stations here. Disenfranchisement is the word of the day.

05.05

On why he spent so much money on the Tories: “It’s a system the Americans have fine tuned over many many years.”

Yeah, a system of meaning that you have to spend MILLIONS if you want to get into government, and the rich keep an absolute stranglehold on power.

Put him in a cage full of mental scorpions!

05.03

Ashcroft on his tax status “Well that’s a good debate, and it’ll go on . . . I don’t think there’s much mileage in going over it again.”

Shut up about my money pigslave!

05.01

Lord Wormtongue Ashcroft is sliming it up with troll face. Are they under a bridge?

05.00

Andrew Neil has NOT had fascinating guests throughout the evening. That is total shite.

04.59

Watching the replay of Jacqui Smith, she had a face like someone pissed in her cornflakes.

Oh well, go home and watch some porn, that’ll cheer you up. “Oh but we have to pay for it now, booohooo.”

04.57

We’re watching the BBC’s projection on the side of Big Ben. Look at the size of the horrendous Tory erection.

04.56

Charles Clarke out on his arse.

04.56

Big Ben . . . or BIG BALLS?!

04.54

Is it just me, or does ALMOST EVERY FUCKER STANDING IN THIS ELECTION HAVE A DOUBLE BARRELLED NAME

Hang the toffs

04.53

Ed has got the unions by the Balls

04.51

No Balls coming out this year

04.51

Balls firmly still in the parliamentary boxers.

04.51

Is balls out? I can’t wait to see

04.51

Video of BNP being treated like the scum they are at the Glasgow count.

04.49

Fucking, Pudsey is running the show. Is it Rupert Murdoch inside that suit.

That said, it does apparently have the largest fish and chip shop on Earth, which is pretty cool.

04.47

Labour hold a Wallaby

Oh wait, Wallasey, that’s not as nice.

04.44

And Pudsey voted Tory! I promise to punch a child in need in revenge.

04.43

Let’s go to Pudsey for the declaration there?! Since when did that fucking wonky eyed bear get a vote?

04.42

Is David Dimbleby having any balls? We don’t know, we can’t see under the desk.

04.41

Ewan Robertson, SSP and SSY, got 268. You rock our worlds with your amazing hair Ewan.

04.39

Local govt minister Shahid Malik also out the game.

04.38

The people of Dewsbury must be mental, they gave the English Democrats 600 odd votes! I’m going to suggest to David Icke he stands there next time.

04.36

Jacqui Smith, Home Sec who charged us for porno, goes down.

04.36

I think people in Redditch have only just learned how to clap, and they still haven’t quite got the hang of it.

04.35

Somebody stood for the Nobody Party. We like it!

04.33

Some random old Tory wants Local Candidates, for Local People, what’s all this shouting, we’ll have no trouble here.

04.29

David Cameron is just arriving at the Death Star Tory Party HQ.

04.28

Newsflashes: Esther Rantzen not elected. Nick Clegg not PM. Custard not made of fish.

04.25

Clegg’s not singing, clegg’s not singing, clegg’s not singing any more.

Nick? Where are you Nick? I couldn’t see you in this parliament for all the MPs from other parties.

04.24

Did David Dimbleby die and nobody’s told him yet?

04.22

Expert man sounded a hell of a lot like “The Liberal Democrats have been humping for the last few weeks.”

Come on Lembit, the party’s over.

04.21

that group is at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=119165701438318

It’s currently on 2435 members.

04.20

We *like* that there’s a Facebook group called “Im scared to go to bed in case Cameron becomes PM and kills me in my sleep.”

04.19

“Apparently we can’t hear Swindon South” that’s cos you’re watching a video of a plane you dozy cunt.

04.18

Look at Alex Salmond’s lovely big eyebrows.

04.15

Some random punter on Andrew Neil’s loveboat was rabbiting on about a “Ministry of Paperclips”. Can I get a job in the Ministry of Paperclips?

04.08

Look at the Cam Car go!

04.07

Tories currently have more than the Labour and Lib Dem combined.

04.05

Lol, I tried to add pics to liven things up and it was a disaster!

04.04

Spot the difference:

The Absorbaloff

03.59

BNP only came third in Barking, not beating Tories and nothing like challenging Margaret Hodge. Fuck you, Knazi Knobends.

03.53

Dimbleby is interviewing a man who is head of organisation of heads of councils. Dimbleby: “This is meant to be a 1st world country! One of the first democracies!”

Headman rolls his eyes.

03.51

Anonymous expert man says the message to take away from the election is that people don’t really like any of the big 3. No shit Sherlock.

03.42

This business of folk not getting to vote is a fucking scandal. These seats should get to have another vote, otherwise the result is not legitimate.

03.41

Just seen footage of cops called on angry voters who were shut out

03.32

In Andrew Neil’s party of non celebrities, some random homeless lookalike says he’s a Tory.

03.28

Nick Clegg is only going to his count now. Laaazy.

03.24

. . .and again

03.24

Tories just pulled ahead

03.24

Tories and Labour neck and neck in seats right now

03.21

Lol, David Miliband is trying to guess what questions he’s being asked. If I was him I would just say “I think you asked ‘Am I awesome’ to which my answer would be yes.”

03.21

SNP candidate for GNE just requested an investigation into Purcellgate! Hilariooooous

03.20

The BBC keeps bringing us thrilling footage of a plane that Gordon Brown is sitting inside. Not doing fuck all.

03.19

Willie Bain (Glasgow North East Labour MP) just said that every vote for Labour was a vote against cuts and a vote to save public services! We very loudly LOLd.
The SNP’s election agent is Annie Mac?!

03.19

Paxman to some Lib Dem lord arsehole: “So you’re up for hire are you?”

“Oh, so the House of Lords is some kind of democratic model now?!”

03.17

Lynsey says EWW NO Sarah. They are BOTH the ugly slimey Miliband.

03.17

Sarah just stroked the screen when David Miliband came on. SEXAAAY

03.16

The BNP didn’t go up for Glasgow North East so Kevin is up on the platform and will be the first SSP candidate in Glasgow to be able to give his speech

03.13

More shouts of Nazi Scum at the Glasgow North West platform – Communist Party didn’t go up, everyone else did – the BNP candidate snarled at us in a pathetic way from the stage. North East results now, looks like Kevin McVey for the SSP and Graeme Campbell for TUSC are still trying to persuade people to no platform

03.09

John Simpson is on the phone on the plane. The same plane with Gordon Brown on it. Maybe it’ll crash as a result of this reckless behaviour. Come on for another Farrage-style laugh.

03.08

Alistair Darling thanked the police, what’s been going on there then?

03.07

The Tory in Colin’s constituency literally looked like he’d dropped a load in his trousers.

03.07

Colin Fox 319 in Edinburgh South West.

03.06

We just caught a glimpse of the SSP’s Angela Gorrie in Dundee. Socialism ftw.

03.03

David Cameron says he did not put out any negative messages: in reality, HIS FACE was on all the leaflets that came through our letterboxes!

03.02

The labour candidate against David Cameron is an obvious failure as he doesn’t fit into his clothes and his face looks like a potato.

03.01

James Nesbitt is being charged with assault for pushing a BNP candidate during the scuffle earlier. And the BNP have reported Frances Curran for taking a photo of them (she took a photo of the whole platform) while they were making their speech. Fuck the fucking scum, hiding behind the police.

03.01

The gun-toting cowboy has the biggest rosette I’ve ever seen, it deserves it’s own seat!

02.59

David Cameron kept his seat despite stiff competition from Jesus and Gun-toting cowboy from the Simpsons.

02.59

Chris Rollo for SSP in Paisley and Renfrewshire North got 233

02.57

The woman who grabbed my arm when I was shouting at Nick Clegg the other day is only the bleedin’ Lib Dem candidate for Glasgow South! Shabnam Mustafa, I denounce you!

02.49

Lembit Opik is out! Struck down by a Tory asteroid

02.48

William Hague is bragging about David Cameron being better at Torying than he is

02.47

Ian Davidson, reelected for Lab in Gla South West, is a ragin’ hun: ‘as we like to say in the south west of glasgow, we’re the CHAMPIONES’
going mental at the SNP, getting heckled about his apparently massive hoose.

02.46

Labour held 14000 majority in Glasgow South West. We’re headed to a hung parliament, or a 1992…

02.45

Lib Dems just elected Frankenstein’s monster for Eastbourne!

02.45

Jim Murphy looks like Lumiere out of Beauty and the Beast.

02.38

We’re hearing that Jim Murphy has held his seat.

02.36

Katy Gordon DIDN’T get Glasgow North! Hahaha, your millions of leaflets were all for nothing! Please don’t send out creepy fake handwritten letters every again.

02.34

The newspapers for Friday have come out, but it’s too soon to know what’s happening in the election. The Financial Times has a front page not (technically) about the election, but about the fact that stock markets across the world are plummeting.

02.34

The Lib Dems are having a TERRIBLE night of it! Labour are VERY happy at the Glasgow count. Shame about all those leaflets wasted eh

02.33

Katy Gordon looks upset in Glasgow! Ann McKechin looks happy. Still reeling from all the BNP shouting down I’ve been doing

02.28

Lynsey, Sarah, James and Turbo all manhandled by police for shouting at the BNP candidate for Glasgow Central. All candidates shared a platform with the BNP, except James and the Green Party candidate. A massive SSP No Pasaran banner got unfurled too. Watch for us on the telly!

02.22

Apparently the BNP are photographing black and asian attendees at the Glasgow count. FUCK YOU, NAZI SCUM.

02.21

All of the candidates except us and the Greens again in Central reneged and shared a platform with the BNP. We gave him fucking hell when he made his speech.

02.18

Nesbitt and Turbo seen heckling fash with massive SSP banner…all over the TV, nice one guys!!!!

02.15

James has just been asked to stand aside by police for not allowing the BNP to get past. Labour are arguing with us for our position, LABOUR ARE SHITE

02.13

Candidates for Glasgow Central about to go up; James is still busily chatting away to try and get the other candidates to do No Platform the right way.

02.12

Labour people around us are ACTUALLY crying with happiness.

02.09

Apparently we got on TV shouting scum at the nazi BNP!

02.09

We’re watching Glasgow East on the telly. Look at John Mason’s wee jaw trembling.

02.08

All of the candidates in Glasgow East except Frances are unprincipled fucks who shared a platform with the BNP. Frances got 454 votes and beat UKIP. Shame on the rest of the parties. No platform to BNP scum.

02.07

Jeremy Vine is out of control with the graphics. He has a virtual table which he’s pretending to lean on.

The BBC obviously know they’re fucked with the Tory govt, and decided to blow the last of their cash on insane CGI pish.

02.05

FRANCES IS NO PLATFORMING THE BNP. BUT NONE OF THE REST ARE

02.03

We are getting a major heckle from a Labour nutter who took exception to Liam T saying of Anas Sarwar’s win ‘The millionaire dynasty continues’. All she kept saying was ‘aye very good, aye very good’

02.02

Anas Sarwar has won Glasgow Central, taking over from his daddy. He better fucking no platform the BNP!

02.01

Provisional result 357 votes in Central for James. Glasgow East is looking like Margaret Curran 19797 to SNP Mason’s 7957. Labour scaremongering about keeping the Tories out seems to have worked in Scotland, where the Tories were never in any danger of taking seats anyway. If this sort of thing holds across non Tory marginals it could have a big effect on the result.

02.00

Oh god, back to the hunchback troll. “The party’s in full swing here.”

If I found myself at a party hosted by Andrew Neil I’d slash my wrists in loos.

01.58

The Labour hacks sitting around us are saying that Labour have taken Glasgow East back from the SNP with a massive majority. We’ll see how that pans out

01.57

Stuff from the markets: investors seem to clearly think they’re getting a Tory govt.

01.56

Looks like James has got around 400 votes, he seems to have beaten UKIP and the Pirate Party. Still trying to convince Anas Sarwar not to be a knobhead

01.55

Labour hold in East Kilbride. Not really a surprise.

01.55

Already chat about legal challenges due to the amount of people disenfranchised by queues at polling stations.

01.55

The provisional result for James’ constituency is coming in! Candidates and agents have just been called to the mad wee count pen.

01.55

The anti tory party in Glasgow tomorrow has 1200 confirmed attendees. If even a third of them turn up, it’s going to be brilliant. Yas!

01.52

Our James Nesbitt has been going around ensuring that every candidate in Glasgow Central will uphold the policy of No Platform for the BNP. All of the candidates have agreed that they will stand off of the stage if the BNP attempt to go up to do their speech (even the Lib Dems) EXCEPT Anas Sarwar for Labour! He wants his wee moment in the spotlight so he’s suggesting just standing ‘a wee bit away’ from them on the stage! James is away back to try and bring him round.

01.51

ugh, the ugly Miliband is on. His top insight? “I don’t know what’s going on.”

01.50

Dimbleby can’t say Kirkcaldy either!

he just said “Kirk Code Ey.”

Aargh, time for independence!

01.48

This whole Jesus Clegg Lib Dem resurgence seems to be a complete flop doesn’t it… except Katy Gordon who will probably win Glasgow North *shakey fist* GRRRR

01.47

Update in Aberdeen from Cat: 150 votes in the bag, projected 250 we reckon…Good luck to everyone else!

01.46

We got a glimpse at the manifesto of the Land is Power fister, even though his site seems to be down. It was all about giving people land for peasants (are there many peasants in Kirkcaldy?)

fucking kulak.

01.39

Brown’s speech sounded downbeat, listing achievements of the government. Looks like he knows the writing’s on the wall.

01.39

The Labour woman behind us needs some indigestion tablets. Does anybody know who might have them? We have no tablets, but we do have cake here in Glasgow.

01.37

Labour have taken the one council seat (there was a by-election) that was being elected to Glasgow Council, of Purcell-gate coked up madness fame

01.35

SSY blogteam working hard for your pleasure at the Glasgow count:

We want you on the phones and we want you blogging

01.35

In Kirkcaldy, there’s some mad guy has sunglasses and a raised fist standing for the “Land is Power” party. He looks scary. He pumped his raised fist when they said his name.

He’s still doing it as Gordon Brown talks. Maybe he’s got some kind of bapped arm.

01.33

In Durham, yet another evil looking UKIP guy. He looked like a the Master from old Dr Who. I could easily imagine him going “mwahahahaha.”

01.32

Jack says: My old nemesis, Menzies Campbell, holds his seat. Hardly surprising, everyone in North East Fife blindly loves him.

Last election, the first time I voted I voted for myself there. Go me

01.30

David Blunkett sez: “My instinct is we have lost the election.”

Still, he got attacked by a cow, so what does he know.

01.29

Labour keeps East Kilbride.

01.27

Plaid Cymru just gained a seat. That’s kind of decent.

01.25

John Sergeant is at the count in Kirkcaldy. Apparently he liked it better kicking about Kabul with the Taliban.

01.22

I just accidentally posted a blank update. I am fucking that keen to click post. Liveblog, fuck yeah! Gonna boost the motherfucking staats!

01.22

01.22

Andrew Neil looks like a fucking troll. If I was a billy goat I’d be watching my back.

01.20

Labour hold Motherwell and Wishaw.

01.20

“Let’s go down to the river again and drown Andrew Neil.” He probably actually said join, but we’d love to drown him in a dirty old sack.

01.19

This mad incomprehensible graphic is like Alan Partridge’s countdown to World Cup 94.

01.18

Woah, graphics overload! Jeremy Vine looks like he’s in the matrix. On acid.

01.17

Interesting result from North Down – the Ulster Unionists have teamed up with the Tories in this election, but the Lady Hermon wouldn’t go along with it and won it as an independent.

01.15

The returning officer for Wandsworth is a Liza Minelli lookalike. She’s got massive chains and massive hair. She looks kind of like this:

01.12

Liam T thinks Gordon Brown should declare a victory RIGHT NOW

01.12

All of the Glasgow seats have an excruciatingly low turnout, particularly Glasgow North East at 49%. Goes to show that flashy debates and tired rhetoric aside, Glasgow voters are still among the most alienated in the country.

01.11

The Lib Dem guy who’s held Torbay doesn’t look very thrilled by it. He looks like he’s slowly melting in to his own chins.

01.11

Oor James is schmoozing wi SNP candidate Osama Saeed.. ensuring that the No Platform for the BNP position is upheld! Gid oan ye Jim

01.07

Labour hold in rutherglen. But meanwhile, openly talking about a Tory majority now.

01.03

The Tories just took their first seat off of Labour . . . here we go.

01.03

Apparently they’ve opened the bond markets in the middle of the night?!

The capitalists want to start fucking about with cash now it looks like they’re going to get themselves a nice big Tory government.

01.02

The SNP candidate behind us is making jokes about Tommy Sheridan and prostitutes… NO COMMENT

00.58

Lynsey was just mistaken for a Green Party member by another Green Party member. “Are you Grace?” I know this green t-shirt was poorly chosen.

00.57

Lol, Peter Robinson’s voice is breaking. Go back to your mad house of prejudice and cry, loser.

00.54

We thought Peter Snow was Captain Picard for a minute. We were dissappointed.

00.54

If you don’t know who Peter Robinson is, he’s the Northern Ireland First Minister for the mental Democratic Unionist Party of Ian Paisley, the man who invented his own church and party so he could be boss of both. For a full breakdown of the the hilarious Robinson family sex scandal, check this.

00.52

EXCLUSIVE from Edinburgh count: Communist League definitely not taken Edinburgh South.

00.52

LIVE from the Glasgow Count! We have been having a gander at the Glasgow Central ballot piles. Oor James Nesbitt’s piles are not negligible! However they are saying the turnout is a measly 51% in Central, totally shockingly low. Earlier it looked like a clear Labour majority but now Osama Saeed’s SNP piles are MASSIVE! (Hee hee, piles)

00.50

Ahahaha, Peter Robinson is out of Parliament! The Alliance Party wins in Belfast East.

In the immortal words of Kirk McCambely: “I’ve just always known her, through my Dad and through the butchers.”

00.48

Nick Clegg’s chief of staff is like a wee Clegg clone. I think they make all these young Lib Dems in some kind of manky vat of chemicals.

00.44

Returning officer in Sheffield has impressive eyebrows. Trying to defend his actions by saying it’s been highest turnout in 30 years. And waggling his impressive eyebrows.

00.42

Police were called in to try and disperse voters who couldn’t get in at Sheffield!

00.42

electoral commission woman sez: rules are clear, if you’re not in by 10 you’re not getting in.

Voters are raging all over the country!

00.38

Update from Aberdeen: BNP candidate Gary Raikes carries masses of pork pies to count. It is reckoned this is to keep the Jews and Muslims away, though it could simply be that Nazis are also fat fucks.

00.34

There’s another sit in of angry deprived voters in Sheffield.

00.31

Welcome everyone from Aberdeen! Not much happening here now as we’re waiting for the count to start, but we’re definitely the coolest group here: Benzie (star of the \trump vid) in a che t shirt, Sarah with a tasteful hammer and sickle skirt, and a couple of us spoiling the show with our suits…

We’ll keep everyone updated whn something actually happens!

00.28

what’s this about Nigel Farrage’s campaign dolphin? A flip flopping dolphin? Was it beached or something?

00.22

Paxman can’t say Kirkcaldy! He just called it “Kirk CoLL Dy.” Hahaha you twat. Mon Fife!

In other news, Neldo promises to piss his pants if Gordon Brown loses his seat.

00.20

Former Tory Chancellor Ken Clarke looks like he’s lost some weight. He’s only a bit podgy now.

00.16

Tonight, the BBC is coming live from the absolute dickwads club. Featuring Simon “Venezuela isn’t a democracy” Schama, Martin “I’m a right wing ugly bastard who writes pish books” Amis, and David “I make shows about Kings, I wish Kings were still in charge and there was none of this democracy” Starkey.

With special guest Joan “the technologically preserved zombie” Collins.

00.03

The BBC have made a CGI version of the staircase in Downing Street. Avatar it ain’t.

00.00

6000 people were turned away from polling stations, despite being registered, because the polling list hadn’t been updated. This shall not stand declares Master Dimbleby.

23.58

Paxman to Miliband: “Just to be clear about the leader of you’re party: it’s Gordon Brown or bust is it?”

BIIIIIIIIIIG PAUSE

“Absolutely.”

23.56

David Miliband is on the telly. If only Sarah was here . . .

23.55

Pickles has ate too many pickles. Plus many, many other foods.

23.54

Nigel Farrage got moved to a different hospital. Probably cos he wouldn’t be treated by an immigrant doctor.

23.52

We’re glad the pilots ok though. Unless it turns out he’s also in UKIP, in which case we hope he’s dead too.

23.51

We weren’t sure if we were hoping for Nigel Farrage to be dead, or permanently paralysed and in lots of pain.

23.49

We were all just pissing ourselves at stupid Nigel Farage lying among the wreckage of his plane. He looked like he was sleeping. Or like a turtle stuck on its back. We think he had a propeller up his arse.

23.48

We saw some of these angry people who didn’t get in to vote. There was a raging woman, and a raging Bill Oddie lookalike nodding vigorously behind her.

23.44

The BBC visual graphic, not really sure what it’s for, looks shit this year. It’s like a white tablecloth that someone’s spilt diluting juice on.

23.43

The Labour woman in Sunderland has like a team of cheerleaders. Again, the UKIP woman looks like a racist. She looks like she volunteers for the Cat’s Protection League, but reads Mein Kampf when it’s not too busy.

23.35

How can Tory chairman Eric Pickles talk without his vocal chords being irrevocably crushed under the weight of his jowels?

23.35

This isn’t an academic excercise . . .you dick – Mandelson

23.33

Oooh, things are getting tense between Paxman and Peter Mandelson. “I see you’re on your phone, maybe you’re twittering or something.” “These are my glasses,” replied Mandelson, with a look that said “I will cut you, you cunt.”

23.31

Fucking hell, look at Eric Pickles. He’s like an uglier version of the Absorbaloff from Dr Who.

23.29

That last seat also had a 7% swing to the Tories. It is a safe Labour seat, and they held it. But nontheless, the Tories so far are getting historic swings, bigger than Tony Blair or Thatcher. Shit, it really looks like they’re doing good

23.28

Apparently there’s some kind of stushie with voters who were qeueing to vote, and didn’t get in before the polls closed. They’re saying there might be a sit in going on in East London! More news as we get it!

23.27

The UKIP woman in that same seat looks RACIST AS FUCK. Yes, we are judging her on her appearance.

23.26

Bluto from Popeye is a candidate in Washington and Sunderland West! And there’s one who’s name sounds like Peter Andre!

23.24

Just to let you know, we were watching the comedy coverage on Channel 4. But we switched over when Jimmy Carr said “I feel like Tina Turner. The difference is, in my relationship I’m the violent one.”

We’d like to see Jimmy Carr run over by a car. Then his corpse messed up by an angry bear.

23.22

Former host of That’s Life Esther Rantzen is an independent candidate for Washington. She says there’s an “undercurrent of rage” and people need someone “need someone to trust”. We think she’d do much better if she got that dog on that could say “sausages”.

23.16

The BBC are clearly feeling the pressure of Charlie Brooker and yer man from Peep Show being on C4. Andrew Neil is talking to David Baddiel and Fern Britton. Check us out! We can be cool!

But then the feed broke. I reckon Dimbleby didn’t want anyone stealing his thunder.

23.13

Dimbleby just saw a picture of people qeueing to vote and said “This is 3rd world politics, there ought to be an inquiry.” Yeah, because people actually vote in the 3rd world because if they don’t they sometimes get shot. By dictatorships that we arm. And there’s no one we can vote for to stop that.

23.10

The BBC just shrunk all the constituencies to the same size to give you a clearer visual picture of the seats. Which just reinforces about how Scotland will never get the government we vote for, cos we just looked like a pathetic red and yellow blister on the great big blue/red knob of England.

23.06

There was an 8.4% swing in the seat that just announced, which if repeated across the country would mean a Tory majority, not a hung parliament. Lame.

23.05

Jeremy Paxman says “Gordon Brown is going to be hanging round in No 10 like some kind of squatter.” He’s also going to get a dog on a string and drink frosty jack’s, that will show posh boy Cameron.

22.55

Every time there’s one seat that are the geeks of the election, and race to make sure they’re the first seat to declare. This time it’s the turn of Houghton and Sunderland South to be the electoral smartarses, which has just declared for Labour.