The final leader’s debate is TONIGHT and we will once more be bringing you all the best bits LIVE.
Tonight’s debate is meant to be about economic affairs. It will probably just be deja vu all over again as we see the three stooges squabble amongst themselves over who can be the most right-wing and racist about immigration, whilst Nick and Dave try to simultaneously give Gordon a ticking off for being mean to an old lady (who is in reality only as bigoted as all three of them want her to be).
To the extent that it is about the economy, we all know how close their agenda is. Who can make the most turkeys vote for Christmas? Who can give you a box of shit in the nicest wrapping paper? Who can be the politest and smarmiest about the fact they’re planning to puke in your bed later on?
To understand what’s really going to happen with the economy after the election, just ask Simon Hayes of Barclays Capital, as mentioned here, who says that he’s not worried cos he knows whoever gets elected, he’ll get what he wants.
The only consolation is that Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England, says that whoever wins will be out of power for a generation because the cuts they’ll have to make will be so bad. And it’s not a very good consolation, a bit like someone stealing your Big Mac and having a heart attack.
But let’s not think too much about all the pish the next government is going to pull (and all the demos and strikes we’ll have to have to try and stop them), and just sit back and watch who can lie most effectively about what an utter fuckwit they are. As ever, we’ve got an incisive team of political analysts on hand, consisting of me, Jack, and Neldo (who demanded we say “Analysts? Or Anal-ists?”, so be prepared for high quality anal-ysis.)
It’s the final countdown. . .
20.32: David Cameron: There’s no point in borrowing from China, cos I want to nuke it anyway.
20.35: Nick Clegg says the top 20% of people receiving tax credits shouldn’t be getting them, but the top 20% of earners are fine. Thanks Nick! Shows who you’re looking out for.
20.37: Dave Cameron says his ideas are not popular but they’re the right thing to do – freeze public sector wages, make everyone work a year longer before retirement. Blah blah. How come working people have to pay whilst all your rich pals are just lining their pockets?
20.40: Gordo says public sector pensions are being “reformed”?! Yeah, being reformed into a big fat zero!
20.40: They’re all calling cuts “savings” as if we’re going to get it back one day. Fuck’s sake.
20.41: David Cameron has mentioned Marks & Spencers in every Leaders’ Debate so far… what’s going on with that? Maybe he likes their lasagne.
20.42: Gordon Brown’s grin makes him look like a chimpanzee. Or maybe Lee Evans’ grandad.
20.43: They keep talking about the economy as if it’s a kid, that needs to be “supported” so it can “get moving and growing”. It’s not a kid, it’s a bunch of old rich banker bastards taking our money.
20:45: Cleggmania says let’s get everyone together in a capitalist unified dictatorship “Council on Financial Stability” which sounds pretty sinister.
20:46: Gordon forgot to mention that he also abolished the lowest rate of tax, therefore fucking over the poorest people.
20:47: Dave sees waste all around him. Like having his chaffeur follow him on a bike to carry his Muller Light.
20:48: Gordon keeps shaking his head, as if to say “Incorrect, you bigotted cunt.”
20:50: David says that owning your own home then passing it on to your kids is the most natural human instinct of all. No it’s not, shitting, pissing and eating are. And that’s what we’re doing to his fiscal policies. HA.
20:52: Bugger tax credits, can we just have decent pay please? Oh yeah, I forgot you promising to cut it, representative of “Labour”.
20:54: Clegg: Well these two are cunts, but I’m cool.
20:55: Nick Clegg: It’s sooo unfair. I’m going to my room. I hate you!
20:56: Clegg says there’s political point scoring. In a telly debate where they try and persuade us to vote for them? Surely not?
20:57 Cameron: “Hmm, we need to regulate the banks, who we gonna get to do it? Fuck it, the banks can just do it themselves.”
20:59 Brown says he’s never been as angry as when he spoke to the director of a bank. Apart from when he spoke to that old woman the other day.
21:01 Nick Clegg: “The main parties are too close to the city. That’s why we’re based inside a secret cave on the moon.”
21:03 Gordon Brown knows it isn’t the size of the banks that count, its how you use them.
21:04 David Cameron: “If we were in the Euro, your taxes and national insurance wouldn’t be going on schools and hospitals.” They’d be going on écoles et hôpitals.
21:05 Equipment for the future is one of Gordon Brown’s priorities for industry. Going by Back to the Future 2, we should all have hoverboards by 2015.
21:11 To all the candidates: I don’t want a loan from a bank, I want to own a bank…seeing as I’ve paid for it.
21:14 Gordon Brown shows off his technical lingo with his desire to see 100% super fast broadband over the whole country. Just make sure you don’t use it to download music or you’ll get 0% internet.
21:16 David Cameron shows off the Tories’ new clone technology: “We’ve had 9 different energy ministers, two of them were the same person.”
21:19 They all seem to have statistics on the level of immigration but no information on why they are so opposed to it. So lots of people come to Britain but no-one seems to have any statistics to say this is a bad thing.
21:20 Gordon Brown wants to protect people in jobs by giving them Tax Credits. Doesn’t help if you’re only on 11 grand a year anyway.
21:25 The only reason I can think of why people would come here illegally is because they’re lawless rulebreakers. No-one comes here because they’re in desperate poverty at home, can’t afford the hundreds of pounds for a visa, don’t meet the strict rules regarding skills you need, have health problems or can’t afford legitimate transport to the UK. Don’t forget, anyone who can’t afford to be here legally deserves to starve at home!
21:31 David Cameron wants to build more houses. Guess he doesn’t mean the hundreds of empty luxury flats found in all the major cities in Britain. We have thousands of empty flats and thousands of homeless people. Hmmm….nope….can’t think of any solution to the problem.
21.36: My interest rate in what he’s saying is rapidly shrinking.
21.37: Nick Clegg believes in work. I don’t. I think it’s a myth.
21.38: Gordon wants to force people on the dole to work for tuppence for six months before going back on the dole. Great plan!
21:45: Woah woah woah, cutting benefit for UP TO 3 YEARS?! That’s well longer than the amount of time it takes to starve to death!
21:46: Clegg: I have a plan, I will save you, come and suckle Daddy’s tax tits.
21:48: Gordon Brown is interested in social mobility, cos for the love of god you wouldn’t want to be working class. Mind you, I’d like to see David Cameron move downwards.
21:51: GONNA SHUT UP ABOUT TAX CREDITS?!
21:52: David Cameron had an argument on the pavement about special education, and whether he should be in it.
21:55: Dave says teachers are getting 4000 pages of information a year. Teachers? Reading stuff? Wtf?
21:57: He also thinks what matters most is how we look after the poorest and most vulnerable. That’s why he’s going to shit all over them with his big tax arse.
21:59: Nick says we should choose the future we want in the election next year. I want a future full of aliens, space colonisation and mad future drugs, but I don’t think anyone is standing on that platform. (Jack wrote that bit.)
22:00: Sounded a whole lot like GB just said “Conservative tax cuts would go to the richest cunts in the country.” Let’s just say that he did. He ended with his freaky idiot grin.
So, that’s that. Yet again, they’ve shown us that whichever of the big 3 parties you go with you’ll get shafted*. No matter how much they want to sugar coat their policies, they’re all going to be taking care of the rich and no-one else.
That’s why everyone should join the SSP lol!!!!!!1
*Literally. By Gordon Brown’s tax cock. It’s not how big it is, it’s the way it’s run that counts.