I can't believe you don't shut up

Obviously, one of the biggest annoyances that comes with being a woman in a sexist society is that people are forever judging whether your behaviour is ladylike enough. However, my real pet peeve is when this thoroughly irritating behaviour tries to pass itself off as journalism and not only attempts to make sure you are a paragon of femininity, but also tries to turn you into a raging fucking idiot. This list of 10 Things Every Single Girl Should Own, written by Amy Spencer, serial knobhead and writer for Maxim and Glamour,  is a prime example. Let’s take a closer look, shall we? The original text from the article is in appropriately womanly pink.

1. A fabulous photo of yourself

We all have that photo: the one where your smile, hair, and (let’s be honest) bod all come together in one sexy little package, whether it’s that snapshot from your trip to the Grand Canyon or that cocktail party photo where you’re dressed to kill. Post that sucker at eye level on your fridge so your male guest can’t help but notice it as he checks out if you have beer (see item #5). What he says: “Is that you?” What he means: “Daa-aamn, girl, you’re hotter than I realised!” Keep a digital version handy so you can email it to online suitors or blind dates who want a glimpse of the goods beforehand. And never, ever throw it away—when you’re eighty-something it’ll serve as an instant reminder that back in the day, you were a total dish!

See, that’s what I want guys who I’m after thinking when they see a photo of me; I don’t think that much of what I’m seeing here and now in real life, but in this picture you are actually a lot hotter than I thought! Let me ask you, Amy, if a totally hawt picture of me on my fridge (at eye

level of course, since you know those poor men have neck flexibility issues and nobody at the house of someone they fancy ever has a wee look about to get an idea of them) is going to help me snare that man, then what’s going to happen if I have Halloween photos on my fridge and I was dressed up as, say, a convincing Mrs. Twit?  Is he gonnae ditch me right there for being a batshit bird gluing fictional character? SCIENCE!

2. A pretty pair of heels

Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels. The good news is that these days, you can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever. And no, they don’t have to be towering stilettos, even a pair of 1-inch kitten heels will make you stride a little more confidently. (Added bonus: the taller you are, the more cute men you’ll be able to see around the room.)

Wait wait wait. I thought this was meant to be a guide to getting and keeping a boyfriend? So why would I want to feel like fucking Maria from West Side Story? My boyfriend might get knifed to death, but at least my leg muscles are so tight they could snap! The last time I wore high heels was more than two years ago at a leaving do. They were really pretty and were the only thing I could find at short notice that matched my dress. The only problem was that I couldn’t walk in them. I spent the night propped up against the bar, moving no more than two steps at a time and feeling like I was going to fall off them. Going for a piss was an epic journey. Wear high heels if you want to, I wont stop you and wont have a go; all I want is this insipid ‘journalist’ to drop the semi-scary interrogation tone (ADMIT YOU LOVE HIGH HEELS, WOMAN!) and painting it as though I will never get anywhere with men if I don’t want to wear them. Fact is, any guy who wouldn’t fancy me because I don’t wear high heels is a total dick that I am happy to avoid. As far as I can see, it makes for a good shield against a subset of idiots I never even knew existed.

3. An Eminem CD

What’s one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman’s home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, Girls Aloud, the Spice Girls, the All Saints, Nora Jones and the Bridget Jones Diary soundtrack), he’s going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he’ll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren’t easily offended—and that’s music to any man’s ears.

I don’t know about you, but I have zero interest in a guy who is so easily scared that a Girls Aloud CD is going to cause a panic attack. How’s he going to protect me from spiders?! God forbid that a woman should have different musical tastes from you or, even worse, ONLY LIKE POP MUSIC!  You know, as opposed to totally manly ‘alternative’ shitty pop indie rock that you can wail along to at pub closing time. If your sex is on fire, then you’re doing it wrong.

But yes, men obviously cannae stand a girl with different taste, so what you need to do is prove that your music choices (and yourself, of course) are feminine and, at the same time, only as girly as is tolerable. Walk that tightrope (in heels) ladies! At the end of the day, if you’re permanently stuck in a posturing juvenile “Eww, girls are icky!” state of mind, then you’re not getting in my pants.

The thing I take most offense at, though, is the idea that Eminem is going to be the saviour of my romantic life. Quite apart from the suggestion that it shows I’m open minded and “aren’t easily offended”, which is simple code for “show him you wont get all uppity about sexism and women’s rights and all that nonsense”, Eminem is shite. If anybody’s going to try and use hip hop to get in my pants, I want it to a) be something  that’s actually decent and b) for them to make a sort of seductive/humorous mating dance at me while it’s on. Observe Mr. Lif in action – RAH!

4. A great pick up line…and a way to blow ‘em off

In this post-chivalrous period, we can’t always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who’s making his way to your area of the bar. Our favourite: “Hi. Having fun?” (Though a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, “Hetero, homo or metro?”) And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you’re not interested, better have a better blow-off than “Ummmm, no…” Our suggestion: “Sorry, I don’t think the guy I’m seeing would appreciate it.” Sure, it’s a lie, but it’ll let him down easy—without destroying his ego or making him think you’re a jerk.

I’m not sure I’d name her super effective “pick-up line” as such; more like normal human conversation. Also, her pal is a fucking idiot and there’s not much more that needs to be said. Where she learned that it was appropriate to ask a complete stranger their sexual orientation (before you’ve said hello!) I’ll never know. If I was a guy and a woman came up to me givin it “Hetero, homo or metro?” I’d be telling her that I was Anyone But You-sexual. As my boyfriend said upon reading this article “Apparently, putting moisturiser on counts as a sexuality but being bi doesn’t.”

I would, however, like to congratulate Amy on the revolutionary idea of telling a pushy guy that you’re seeing someone. This has never been tried before by any woman, and I am practically shitting myself with excitement as I text my ‘girlfriends’ the idea RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Bonus points for the lament for chivalry. Everything was so much better when men just picked us like the delicate flowers we are!

5. A six pack of good bottled beer

A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. If you want to make a guy-guest feel at home and your girlfriends feel special, skip the mass-produced swill and try some of the more exotically-named tipples.

See what they did there? Good beer will make a guy feel at home (he’s being accorded the appropriate level of respect, after all) but will make your ‘girlfriends’ (I get that heteronormativity is a given here but girlfriend does not mean to me what it means to them) feel all special as you’re lavishing them with a special treat. IF YOU CAN ONLY AFFORD A SIX POUND EIGHT PACK OF CARLSBERG EXPORT THEN NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU, YOU FAILURE!

6. Bathroom Reading

What man doesn’t appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie’s bathroom? So instead of tossing out your magazines when you’re done reading them, toss them into a basket by the toilet. No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don’t follow sports, that would just be weird) but consider The Week or even Cosmopolitan (hey, this may be the only time he’s a captive audience and can learn a few things). Or, just buy a book that’s made for the bathroom, like Schott’s Original Miscellany by Ben Schott so he can learn a few things about shoelace lengths and sign language while he passes the, uh, time.

Aye, keeping sport magazines around if you don’t like sport – that’s what’s weird. See if you want a guy that you’re seeing to “learn a few things” because, clearly, you’re not happy with some aspect of your relationship or his shagging prowess, then how about talking to him like a grown up? Or, you could follow Amy’s advice and  just make him a prisoner of his own shit and get him to read a really, really awful magazine that makes money out of the same one hundred constantly recycled, ridiculous ‘sex secrets’. The only thing this tactic is going to get out of a suggestible boyfriend is him making a comical attempt at shagging in the sea while you lie on a lilo. And yes, Cosmopolitan really DO recommend that.

7. A business card

After the age of 18, it’s no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn’t provide a card or you’d prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made up. A napkin he can lose. A card he’ll file and keep.

Yes Amy, I have in fact found it hard to get a business card out of the dole, and I have contemplated having a personal card made up! But wouldn’t you know it, nobody will make me one that has just the right amount of glitter on it. Oh, and I’m bone shit poor. Quite apart from the fact that this must have is a load of  ridiculous middle/upper class frippery, has Amy ever heard of a mobile phone? Folks, when was the last time that you actually had to take someone’s number down on a bit of paper? For me, it was when I was seventeen, didn’t have a mobile on me and was firing into this guy I’d just been at a sweaty Barras gig with. And nobody I know, if they’re after someone’s phone number, is about to start scrutinising the medium it comes in unless the person they’re chasing insists on carving it into their arm with a stanley knife. In short; lol.

8. Earplugs

Ah, there’s nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night’s sleep. Unless—SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ!—he snores so loudly you can’t get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand.

Congratulations Amy. Two pieces of inanimate foam are the least offensive thing in your whole article.

9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial

Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who’s been there, done that.

Let’s back up here Amy. EVERY single girl KNOWS that she needs a gay man accessory to give her fucking fashion advice? Yes Amy, gay men are just accessories for your straight, fun and giggly single life, and couldn’t possibly be actual people who aren’t interested in being your simpering pet, couldn’t give a shit about what you’re wearing and do not, in fact, think that you are just fabulous. Once, at a particularly good party, I ended up falling into the stoned and drunk “I love you man!” speechifying trap and wound up telling a pal of mine (a GAY pal of mine!) how much I liked hanging about with him. I do remember complimenting him on his personality and being quality company, but I cannot recall declaring at any point “You’re a really great friend because you love the cock!” Know why? Because I’m not a ragingly offensive halfwit.

Of course, Amy knows the limitations of her personal gay. They’re no use when it comes to relationship advice, because what could gay men possibly know about going out with guys? Women are no help either, for reasons which Amy fails to specify. I imagine, though, that it has something to do with them being silly ladies who know nothing of the mysteries of man’s alien mind. I’d suggest that Amy saves herself some time, follows her own mad logic and gets herself a bisexual guy best friend, but then we all know that bisexuals are icky weirdos, and you can’t trust them not to try and get in your pants any more than you can trust them not to hump that ripe mango you’ve got sitting in your fruit bowl. Skip in to about the 2:50 mark in this god awful clip from fucking Sex and the City for a great example of the common currency in mainstream thought on bisexual folks, AKA the Fuckhead Dollar. As for bi women and lesbians, well they don’t even exist in Amy’s world.

10. A condom

Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can’t always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour garage on the route home. (Your new mantra: If you don’t want it to break, you buy it.)

I’d like to give you a pass for ending your article with sensible advice, Amy, I really would (well no I wouldn’t but stay with me here) but it just can’t make up for all the total pish you’ve spewed above. Plus, you stick with your fake, overly pally and condescending tone right the way to end, and deploy the absolutely appalling turn of phrase “spontaneous fun of the bodily kind”.

So, Amy Spencer, for making me want to vomit more than I could ever eat, I welcome you to Knobhead’s Corner! TA-DA!

Starbuck will present you with your prize!