Tesco vs Schoolkids.

Every little bit of anti-youth prejudice helps

Tesco in Silverburn recently limited the number of schoolkids allowed to go into their shop at the same time, and has spied on them when they’re in there like kleptomaniac nazi war criminals.

Chelsea Toner reports for Leftfield below,

Silverburn Tesco are pleased to observe the rapid drop in crime since they stopped school children coming into the superstore at lunchtime.

Instead of charging in with their baseball bats and ‘chibs’ like they once did, Tesco security now firmly instructs delinquents to form an orderly line outside, confiscates their school bags and give them a basket each.

They then are allowed in only two children at a time and are followed by a security guard at all times. Security spokesman Joe McBloggs gives us a little insight: “These kids are thieves and don’t even deserve to be able to shop at Tesco. I see them with the glints in their eyes, waiting to pull a knife on a staff member or run off with a plasma screen. These precautions are for the good of the public.”

Watch out he’s nicking the fucking telly

Tesco insist that crime has fallen by nearly 100% since these saftey measures were enforced. They do not, however, continue these proceedings after school, as obviously school children are less likely to steal on their way homes than during lunch times.

An anonymous staff member’s words on the matter are: “School uniform? Might as well be a strippet jumper they’re all wearin’. Straight to Barlinnie is where they’re all going,”. Members of the general public agree that they feel safer now.

“We feel out numbered and threatened by school thugs. You never know what they might have in their grubby jacket pockets. I’m never sending my angels to a public school. I live in the Mearns you know…,” Comments Marjorie Spencer-Asdaire. “Infact, I think that any child in a school uniform should be followed by a police officer at all times,” Perhaps one day all shopping centres will come to their senses and ban all school children as they are a harm to the public and a threat to business.


  1. Aidan says:

    I think your comments are ridiculous! Listen to yourselfs!
    Yes, children may be badly behaved but isn’t that all part of child hood.
    You say that your “posh” children will be going to a private school yet does that mean that they are so called to be followed by a police officer at all times?

    OK, they can be badly behaved but that is just a small majority of great young kids. You don’t have to look far to see great charity work etc that they carry out.
    I think we are forgetting the children who do not act in this bad manner.
    As to TESCO, they are discriminating against all school kids and this is outrageous! Think about your kids being treated like criminals in this manner.

    TESCO, Just wait, I think a court case may be on the way!
    Absolutely discussed at society for this! and there is better ways of tackling behaviour problems that this!

  2. Meghan says:

    The tone of the article is deeply sarcastic. We wrote this article anti-Tesco’s discrimination, pro-youth. We wrote it because we agree with everything you’re saying regarding kids today, because we agree that it’s unfair that an entire age-group are being stigmatised in order to limit the actions of a small minority. We are a youth group, and we want to support the young people tesco treats like this, and bitingly sarcastic commentaries such as this one are one way of doing this.

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